How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 67: Meet The Family

My arm hurt. I mean it really hurt. But I didnt want to use magic in front of Jenny so I handled it like a man: I whined a lot.

Fortunately, Jenny had a first aid kit. Well, some bandages and a needle and thread. She offered to sew up my cut. You see that sort of thing all the times in movies, where the Navy Seal beautifully cross-stitches a wound closed without even wincing. What better way to show a girl your manliness? 

I politely declined her offer. Dont act like you wouldnt have done the same, the needle was fucking huge.

When we arrived back at the lake, everyone was standing around a large fish. It was pretty impressive, about the same size as Suri, with bright red scales. However, the mood was far from jubilant. They all watched apprehensively as we approached. 

The kid was in his mothers arms. He pointed at Jenny. Her. She the one who hurt the idiot.

First, Im fine. It was just a misunderstanding. Second, who taught him to call me the idiot?

My loyal party members all looked away guiltily. 

Are the others with you? Claire asked.

No, its just me, said Jenny. I wanted to meet your friends. If we can avoid any more fighting, that would be good for everyone.

There was a great deal of tension in the air, and I was probably as tense as anyone. Nabbo came forward and stood in front of Jenny. 

Hello. Im Jenny. She smiled a little nervously.

Ah, said Nabbo. Youve found a mate at last. See? He turned to his son. And you said it was impossible.

Shes not my mate, but thanks for the vote of confidence, Pitt.

Pitt shrugged, sort of apologetically, with a side order of, Well, I aint been proved wrong yet.

Of course she is, said Nabbo. You think you can fool me? I know a mating couple when I see one. He waddled around Jenny, sizing her up. Mmm, not bad. Skins a bit dry. I dont know how you people spawn man, the friction burns must be painful.

Shes just a friend, I insisted. And were wet on the inside. Well, females are.

You spawn on the inside? said Jolie, looking shocked. How?

How this turned into a sex ed. class I have no idea. Well, the male puts his penis in the females vagina.

Whats a va-gi-na? asked Suri.

Claire, I said, show him your vagina.

Show him yours, said Claire.

I would, but I dont have a vagina, I said.

Are you sure? said Claire.

Thats all I needed in front of my mating partner-to-be, a challenge to my authority. I turned to Maurice. Maurice, please, control your woman.

I wish I could, said Maurice, and then looked surprised. Shit! Did I say that out loud?

It was too late, the fuse had been lit. Is that what you really want? said Claire. To control me?

No, said Maurice. 

Is that why youre with me? Temper rising, launch ignition is a go.

Of course not.

Fire all thrusters. Then why the fuck are you with me?

Maurice leaned back to avoid getting his face melted off. Because Im in love with you.

The timing was perfect. The delivery was beautiful. It smashed through all of Claires defences like they were paper and struck her right in the heart, exploding every shard of doubt and insecurity shed been storing in there since the day shed been born.

As a student of the dark arts, Id have to say it was a stunning example of psychological manipulationor it would have been except the fucker actually meant it.

The fight went out of Claire and she threw her arms around Maurices neck and buried her face in his shoulder. She mumbled something. I love you too, You complete me, You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, blah, blah, blah I dont know what exactly, I was too busy trying not to throw up. 

What is it about sincere emotion that makes people suddenly spout cliches? And for everyone else to act like theyre hearing the greatest poetry ever? 

Flossie looked fit to burst with joy and had Dudleys hand so tightly gripped in hers he looked about ready to tap out.

I turned to Jenny, my last hope for a someone to exchange eye-rolls with, but found her even more out to lunch than the others. Her eyes couldnt have been more dilated if shed been tripping on mollie.

Looks like you and me are the only two sane ones left, I said to the dead fish.

Id like to join your group, said Jenny. Please.

Great. Thats all we needed, another hopeless ditz. I dont think

Let her join, said Claire in a soft, warm voice that really didnt suit her.

Yes, ah thinks so, too, said Flossie.

Well, good for you, but I dont recall anyone asking you two loved-up dipsticks for your opinion on the matter.

Colin, said Claire, all sweetness, which was frankly more unnerving than when she was throwing one of her hissy fits, its your choice. Well do what you say, but this one time you should listen. She belongs with us. I cant explain it, but you should let her in. She looked at the others who all nodded.

Just let me join for a trial period, said Jenny. I wont let you down, I promise. The eyes were full hope, the smile was extraordinary. Even her teeth looked like they were out of a toothpaste advert. It was brutal.

There was no way it would turn out well, but the seed had been planted. The seed of hope that this girl I hadnt been able to stop thinking about since the moment I first saw her might end up being mine. The seed that would grow and grow until it fucking wrecked me. Oh well.

Fine. She can join. What about Tin and the others?

Ill go speak to them, said Jenny. Were camped in that large group of white trees to the east. If I go now, I can be back before its dark. She turned and took a few steps, then stopped and turned. Ill explain everything to them. Im sure theyll understand. She set off again running. No, not running. Skipping!

Man, your mating rituals are crazy, said Nabbo. Can we eat this fish now?

I know I always treated Jennys motivations with suspicion and acted like she meant nothing to me, but in truth I was no less susceptible to a hot chick than any other guy. I handled it by staying away, and now I couldnt even do that. 

Of course I wanted a girl like that to fall for me and have great sex in weird positions. Who doesnt? But I try not to confuse fantasy with real life, which is especially hard to do when youve been transported to a world thats nothing but fantasy. 

Just because Jenny was joining our group didnt make it any more likely shed be mine, but it did make it a lot harder to stop thinking about it. 

I had the horrible feeling Id made a terrible mistake. After all this time of doing what had to be done to survive, this obvious opportunity to sabotage myself comes along and I immediately cave. Pitiful.

The best possible outcome would be for Jenny to convince her group to make nice with the frogmen, join our party and reveal she had an inexplicable taste for guys who look like me. What do you think the chances were of things panning out like that? 

Mind you, Im sure somewhere in the universe, there a guy who got transported to a fantasy world whose life ended up just like that. I dont know what his name is, but Im pretty sure it isnt Colin. If I had to guess, probably Marco Masterson.

There was a tug on my sleeve and I looked down at Suri. Va-gi-na?

Sounded more like an accusation than a question. Cant say I disagreed with him.

Of course, all these concerns would only have mattered if Jenny returned like she said she would. She didnt.