I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

Potato II

Everyone knew that the Saintess was serious about her reclusive lifestyle. Even though loneliness might have driven her to expand her circle of friends, she had no personal relationships outside of me. She didn't even engage in social media. She observed trends on SG Net but never posted or commented. There was a reason the Saintess's SG Net nickname had never appeared.

When I asked if she felt lonely, she replied:

“Humans all die, Mr. Undertaker. In the moment of death, even if surrounded by family, the last 0.01 seconds before consciousness falls into oblivion, no one can share that death with you. We all move towards that 0.01 second. A moment of silence and stillness that no words or concepts can decorate. If that’s loneliness, then daily life is a purification of that ultimate loneliness, and I want to embrace that air as it is.”

I agreed, saying “Oh,” but tilted my head. Wasn’t that just another way of admitting she was lonely? Anyway, the Saintess was a voluntarily reclusive person, not due to external forces but by choice. She was an ideological hikikomori. It would be extremely difficult for her to become close to someone. But what if that someone was not a human, but a potato?

“Oh, hello! Good morning, Ms. Potato…! H-Have a nice morning!”

In the hideout lobby, Sim Ah-ryeon bowed deeply. The Saintess, in her robot, gracefully moved the mechanical arm to return the greeting.

[Good morning, Sim Ah-ryeon.]

“Heh, heh… Yes!”

“Hi. Good morning. Your potato sprouts look lovely.”

[Good morning to you too, Lee Ha-yul.]

“Wow, Saintess! Your potato surface looks especially shiny today! Impressive!”

[Thank you, Seo Gyu.]

Everyone in the hideout greeted the Saintess-potato with bright faces and smiles. Meanwhile, my jaw dropped so hard it was ready to defy Newton’s gravity. What kind of sorcery was this?

“Oh, Saintess, we’re having a gathering of the plant lovers club from SG Net. You should come! Everyone would love it!”

[Sure, but I’ll have to hide my identity.]

“Saintess, I’ll water you with this watering can…! Hehe, you like this, right?”

[Thank you. It feels very nice.]

“Saintess, you have a drinking appointment with Noh Do-hwa tonight. Can you come?”

[Gladly.]

The hideout buzzed with noise. All the guild members crowded around the Saintess-potato, competing fiercely in middle-school psychology battles (‘I’m closer to her than you are!’ ‘What? I’m way closer!’). For some reason, the robot-potato-Saintess enjoyed immense popularity. Unlike when confined to a weak human body, as a potato, she was loved by everyone. But why?

“Oh, didn’t you know, hyung?”

“Know what?”

“The Saintess recently decided to offer a new constellation service.”

Seo Gyu showed me a document file. It read:

[Notice]

Starting today, the Constellation ‘Understanding of Anguish’ will offer psychological counseling to awakeners.

In this harsh apocalyptic age, mental suffering is as severe as physical pain. But expressing mental stress often meets with responses like ‘At least you’re alive, why complain?’

Are you unable to share your pain for fear of seeming weak or being ridiculed?

Turn to the Constellation ‘Understanding of Anguish.’ This Constellation won’t exploit your weaknesses or mock you.

Don’t hesitate to seek counseling.

“…….”

“This is the draft. The Saintess is beta testing the service with us now. She gives great counseling!”

Seo Gyu’s words shocked me. Thank goodness I didn’t wear dentures. If I did, they’d have fallen out from surprise.

“Psychological counseling…?”

“Yes.”

“By whom?”

“The Saintess. Didn’t I just say that?”

Were they crazy? The Saintess giving advice on the delicate and subtle flow of human relationships? Nonsense. The best she could offer was a discussion on ‘Kant’s emotional-intellectual forms and Schopenhauer’s causality correlation.’ What nonsense. My point exactly. Her counseling had to be at least 2.2 million light-years away from normal psychological counseling.

“Seo Gyu, are you saying you’re satisfied with her counseling?”

“Yes, totally satisfied. We’re starting counseling for general awakeners next week.”

“Guys, get a grip. That will never succeed!”

It succeeded.

“Unbelievable.”

And it was a huge success.

-Anonymous: I’ve been feeling so depressed lately, but after counseling with ‘Understanding of Anguish,’ I feel much better.

└Anonymous: Same here. When everyone urged me to try counseling, I thought they were nuts. But I cried my eyes out in just an hour.

-Anonymous: I guess we’re all struggling in our own ways.

└LiteraryGirl: Struggling is normal. The world sucks, and people turning into sunflowers are proof.

└Anonymous: Right, LOL

-[NRMC] Officer: Hmm…

-OldManGoryeo: I usually don’t say this, but try counseling with ‘Understanding of Anguish.’ This Constellation is on another level.

I was appalled. Could it be an anomaly? Well, obviously it was. The Saintess’s appearance changed to a potato, but her core was still… Well, the core was probably also potato, but her consciousness remained the Saintess’s. Even Dang Seo-rin was hooked on the psychological counseling by ‘Understanding of Anguish.’

“Oh, Undertaker, sorry. Let’s just eat today. I have a schedule.”

“You’re skipping drinks? What schedule?”

“Counseling day. ‘Understanding’ says regular sessions are important. I’m working on why I’m obsessed with railways and witch hats.”

“…….”

“I realized I had a lot of hidden wounds from childhood. You should try it too. Maybe about the Three Kingdoms.”

The world had gone mad. I hurried to find the Saintess. The Saintess-potato-robot had moved from Yongsan to the hideout café and was sitting in the middle of a private room, meditating in the lotus position on a cushion. The scene itself was surreal.

“Saintess, we need to talk.”

[Quiet.]

Creak. The robot arm moved to a ‘shh’ gesture. Considering potatoes have no lips, it was surreal. Even Zenyatta seemed more human than the robot-potato.

[I’m counseling Dang Seo-rin. Wait 50 minutes.]

“…….”

What exactly were you discussing with Dang Seo-rin? I suppressed my curiosity, bubbling like lava in a deep pit. Privacy. Privacy.

[The counseling session is over. But I have another session in 10 minutes, so please be quick. What is it, Mr. Undertaker?]

“Saintess, I really hate to say this, but it must be said. This is an abnormal situation.”

[Abnormal?]

“Simply put, you hate humans. How did you end up counseling others?”

[I’ve transcended the human shell.]

???

[As you pointed out, my misanthropy was deeply rooted. But after shedding my human form, humans now appear as a different species.]

“Different species?”

[Yes. No need to cling to a human form. It’s like looking at pets or observing insects.]

Of course, it’s an anomaly! Damn, Noh Do-hwa was right again. The robot-potato-Saintess was an anomaly itself. I had no choice but to revere the insight of the National Road Commander.

“Saintess, sorry, but you’ll have to be subdued now…”

[But because of this, I can finally love humans.]

What?

[My hatred stemmed from seeing myself as the same species. Now, seeing them as different, I can view them objectively and warmly, like cute animals.]

[Mr. Undertaker, you might see me as an anomaly. But even if I’ve turned into an anomaly, would it be dangerous? I’m just a potato, after all.]

[A potato that loves humans.]

“I see.”

[I’m very happy right now.]

“Unbelievable.”

I held my head in my hands. If the Saintess had fallen and become the ‘Executioner,’ subduing her would be inevitable. But the robot-potato-Saintess wasn’t threatening. She was too weak without aura. Even Sim Ah-ryeon or Noh Do-hwa could subdue her with a single strike. Besides, I didn’t want to subdue the Saintess, who had just begun to realize her love for humanity.

[Mr. Undertaker, I have a request.]

“What is it…?”

[Please dice me into cubes.]

What the hell.

[Mr. Undertaker, do you know how potatoes reproduce?]

“…By cutting and planting pieces.”

[Yes, that’s one way. I believe I can increase my clones the same way.]

This was getting truly bizarre.

“I have many objections, but why do you want to increase your clones?”

[Simple reason.]

The potato-Saintess said:

[The number of awakeners seeking my counseling has exploded.]

[I’m using time-stop to manage, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to focus on each person. I was counseling six people at once with Dang Seo-rin.]

“Ah.”

[Besides, I’m acting as other constellations too. It’s too much work.]

[If I increase my clones and distribute the roles, it would be more efficient.]

“……”

She had a point! The robot-potato-Saintess stood up in the lotus position and placed a slender mechanical hand on my shoulder.

[I tried dicing myself, but even I hesitated to cut my body into pieces.]

[I’d like you to do it.]

[Can you still see me as a comrade in this form?]

She slyly used a cheat code!

“Saintess, if you die from this…”

[Don’t worry. Even if a tragedy happens, I won’t blame you.]

What could I do? I approached the robot-potato-Saintess with a knife, carefully slicing and dicing her.

“Do you feel pain?”

[No. It feels a bit strange, but there’s no pain.]

“That’s good…”

I wasn’t sure if it was really good. I planted the potato pieces in the greenhouse. Thanks to the soil quality improved by the Sword Marquess, they grew well. A few days later, the potatoes were successfully cultivated. I gathered them in a basket and brought them to Noh Do-hwa.

“…….”

Noh Do-hwa looked at me silently. Then, without a word, she made robots for the other potatoes too. Creak— Five robot-potatoes stood before us, speaking in unison.

[Thank] [You] [Mr. Undertaker] [And Ms. Noh Do-hwa] [I’m not sure] [Which is the real me] [No,] [All ‘I’s are] [The real me.]

“…….”

“…….”

Noh Do-hwa glanced at me.

“So, they’re not anomalies?”

It was summer.

Footnotes:

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