The Butcher of Gadobhra

Chapter 314: The Emperor's Birthday, (2)

Great Court was a sight to behold. Upon a huge stage, the Emperor held court, sitting on a throne that had followed him from city to city today as he visited all four Duchies. On either side of him were two pair of slightly smaller thrones for the four Dukes and Duchesses. Seating for a thousand nobles filled the room, and a thousand more people lined the walls or watched from the balconies. Added to that were a hundred guards, including the personal bodyguards of each noble. At each of the other three courts, the citizens of that duchy had presented the Emperor with gifts. The competition for which noble families would be allowed to walk the center aisle and present their gifts was a battle fought all year with threats, bribes, and secret deals. Nobles competed with each other trying to come up with unique and colorful presents. The spectacle had gotten entirely out of hand over the years. One year, so many exotic animals had been given as presents that the Imperial menagerie had been forced to expand. Charles wisely decreed that living animals and monsters were out of style.

As always, the event was tiring for all involved. The Emperor was dealing with it by relaxing and keeping his mug filled. Charles Gustavus Viconis the 9th had long ago decided to avoid the stress of these events and enjoy himself. His personal physician agreed with him. So as each person brought their gifts and presented a treasure to him (often with a small speech), he smiled and made eye contact, nodding or thanking them by name. Truth be told, the smaller gifts from people who knew him he appreciated the most. Lord Amberly had presented him with a new fishing rod made from enchanted willow. He and Charles had fished together in their youth, and the gift brought back fond memories. And while most of the nobles were hoping that their gifts would pay off in political favors, in truth, they were competing for bragging rights with each other. Charles wasn't swayed by the gifts, and found ways to give most of them away.

While traveling from city to city meant a very long day, Charles had enjoyed himself. By spending time in each Duchy, he met more of the nobles and cut down on some of the constant political maneuverings to host this event. He'd left the North until last to spend time with Claudia and Carl, relaxing for an hour or two after the festivities. Claudia had a rule that when the door to their private quarters was shut, the crowns came off, and they dispensed with the court's frivolities. It was a good rule, and he looked forward to a few beers and some stories of what was happening in their area.

He'd heard interesting rumors.

The ceremony was nearing its end. The last noble family had presented their gift, and it was time for him, Carl and Claudia to make short speeches, thank people, and retire. But his majordomo seemed concerned for some reason, and there was a disturbance at the back of the court. An imperial page came quickly to the thrones, bowed, and calmly informed them of a change of plans. "There is a delegation of gnomes here to make a presentation. Many gnomes, some of them of very high level. They are led by His Royal Highness, Prince Rupert Cinderstein."

A smile broke out on the Emperor's face. "Really? That's splendid. The gnomes of Cinderstein are staunch allies of the Empire, and I gladly welcome them to the celebration. Please escort them in." The gnomes were also known for adhering to their strange laws of courtesy. Humans, even human Emperors, who were discourteous, would be avoided in the future. Since the Gnomish banks spanned the world and were a major convenience to trade in any city, human rulers had learned to be courteous at all times. Charles had never seen a problem with extending them every courtesy. It was always returned. He had spent two months in Cinderstein as a youth and was comfortable with their culture. If only his own nobles could copy a few of their ways, he would have fewer headaches.

As if only waiting for those words to be said, the visitors from Cinderstein processed up the center of the room, split into two groups to the left and right of the prince, and then all of them bowed low. To the right were several gnomes in shining plate armor, enchanted shields, and glowing magical weapons. Each bore the heraldry of the prince. To the other side were four families, each with two to five wives and many children. All were formally dressed, even the children, with not a hair out of place or shoelace untied.

Prince Rupert bowed low a second time and then a third. "My esteemed father offers his condolences for not appearing himself, but as always, work comes first in these difficult times of fluctuating interest rates and the disruptions of a changing world. He has sent me as a poor substitute in his stead. I bear with me a small token of his friendship." The 'small token' proved to be a heavy ring made of gold, engraved with minute script in the gnomish language, and set with a large red gem that shimmered as it reflected the light of the torches.

"The script lists your ancestors, in order, back to the founding of the Empire. The gem is a Ruby from the Plane of Fire, with one of my father's favorite runes. When worn, it has a chance to detect lies told to you. If the ring spots the falsehood, it will set the speaker's pants aflame. The bigger the lie, the higher the chance of being detected and the larger the fire. He claims it makes dealing with Elves much easier."

Charles accepted the gift with a smile, not failing to notice a subtle wink from the prince. "I will wear this often, to the delight of my nobles."

The Emperor stood and bowed thrice in return. "Please convey my thanks to your father. It would indeed have been a happier day if I could have greeted my old friend, but I welcome this chance to meet more of your people." Charles was impressed by the prince's entourage. Gnomes, even a Prince, generally traveled with only a few guards. From the looks of things, he had brought an entire clan. Introductions took some time in gnomish society, and he had expected the Prince to bow again and lament the lack of time to do things properly. To his surprise and the horror of the imperial functionaries trying to keep the event running on time, Prince Rupert smiled broadly and began formal introductions.

First, he brought forth the Captain of his bodyguards and spoke for five minutes about his family history and accomplishments. Only slightly less time was taken with the other five bodyguards. After half a bell, he turned to an older gnome, well-dressed in a black coat, burgundy vest, and black silk top hat. Charles noted that he wore, not carried, his hat, indicating that important business was at hand. The prince took him by the arm and brought him forward to the Emperor. They both bowed low. "Please allow me the honor of introducing you to the head of one of our oldest families, Elgebert Coppertwist of the Coppertwist clan and senior partner of the Law Firm Coppertwist, Fellrock, Kindfeld, and Bumplasonek."

The elder gnome bowed low again. "It pleases me to introduce to you, my family. On my left is my first wife, Alwinia Buntilda Fellrock-Coppertwist. We first met a hundred and eighty-seven years ago when...."

Charles settled back into his seat. It seemed he was to meet the entire clan consisting of all of the law firm members, their wives and families, and Elgebert's five wives and numerous offspring. He tried to remember what he knew of gnomish society. Five wives seemed to indicate a high-ranking individual. If he remembered correctly, the King of Cinderstein was only married six times.

With many relatives to name, Elgebert spoke quickly, if lovingly, of each person. After he had finished with his own family, he moved to introduce his law partners and their wives and children, all of whom he was related to in one way or another. Charles was happy to see three of his scribes taking down all the information. If he sent an envoy to Cinderstein, the knowledge of who was related to who was essential to any diplomat. Finally, after a full bell, his visitor ended his presentations, and the entire clan bowed low.

"I thank you and your court for your patience. I understand the courtesy you have shown me and my clan. It means much to me to have them here today to witness this event." He pulled forth a long scroll and paused for effect.

"To Charles Gustavus Viconis the 9th, greetings. On this day, with your retainers and my clan present as witnesses, it is my solemn duty to inform you that you are delinquent in paying your taxes. Because of this, you are now subject to mandatory enlistment in the Imperial Legions for a term of no more than thirty years or until your debt to the Empire is paid." He stepped forward and presented the tax bill to the Emperor.

Charles looked a the splendid piece of parchment, illuminated lovingly by a gnomish scribe. Then he began to chuckle, then laugh, and finally, he roared, greatly enjoying the jest. "Thank you, friends; this is one of the finest things anyone has done for me. I commend your presentation." He handed the bill to Claudia. "Please keep hold of this for me. I want to have it framed. Now I'm off to have fun for the night. Best birthday gift ever."

He stood up. "Sorry, folks. But I have to obey my own laws. I'm off to the Legion to toil as a common soldier. Carl can take over for me until my return." Still laughing, he took off his crown and cloak, bowed to the gnomes, sketched a salute at the astonished Dukes and their wives, and marched out of the room, followed by a dozen bodyguards. Claudia knew that chaos was about to overrun the court. She stood and her husband picked up on what she was doing. To prevent injury and give Charles time to continue with his little jest, Duke Greywolf yelled loudly. "The members of the court and visitors will remain where they are! No on is to leave this room!"

Claudia looked at the tax bill, stepped close to her husband, and whispered. "What the hell is going on?"

Carl kept smiling for the crowd, but his voice showed his anxiety. "Charles has wanted to join the Legion since he was four. He ran away on three occasions to enlist. His father would let him play soldier, thinking he'd tire of it, but he never did. They'd drag him back after a week of training and send him off to his studies. This prank lets him run off and drink with his soldiers for the night."

His wife held the parchment in front of him. "This isn't a prank, Carl. This damned bill is real!" She turned to the patiently waiting gnomes, all of whom were smiling and congratulating each other. "Mr. Coppertwist, could you be kind enough to explain what is going on?"

"Certainly, ma'am. My family is congratulating me on attaining level 34. Serving legal documents to the head of an Empire comes with a hefty chunk of experience points. Each clan member has also attained at least one level from witnessing the event and several for the youngest. My entire law firm is thrilled with the situation."

Claudia took three deep breaths, then continued. "Could you explain this bill and why you gave it to the Emperor? I need to know why he owe taxes, and to who."

"I certainly can do that, your grace." He bowed, but said nothing. There was a pause that extended to an awkward silence before Claudia modified her request. "I ask that you please do so immediately."

"Certainly, quite happy to do so. Advising a Duke on these matters is also very good experience. As to who is owed the taxes, that would be Duke Carl Greywolf and Duchess Claudia Greywolf. You instituted a tax upon contract workers who exceed the first Tier. The Emperor owes you 32,000 gold pieces and is now delinquent. A sad day for the Empire, but I'm sure you understand that we can't let scofflaws prosper. The law must be obeyed."

"What?!!!" Both Duke and Duchess of the Northern territory were taken aback by this statement. Murmurs ran around the court. Carl was extremely aware that this could be construed a plot set in motion by himself that had given him the crown. He saw several of his own nobles nodding happily, as if they expected him to name himself Emperor. This was a delicate situation.

Mr. Coppertwist shook his head sadly. "I'm sure your imperial functionaries can explain things, but I have been instructed to show you the original tax assessment so that the appropriate people in the Office of Acquisitions can be rewarded for their hard work." He handed over several documents to the Duke and Duchess. Carl turned to his majordomo and asked for a large table, chairs, and a tax advisor.

The duchess noticed a small detail. "This is a tax bill for the Barony of Gadobhra."

"Why, yes, it is. After thorough research, your agents determined that the only contract workers in the Barony were in the village of Sedgewick. The village's mayor was served with this document and ordered to pay the taxes. She informed me that she had an agreement with the Emperor, Charles Gustavus Viconis the 9th, and he was responsible for paying her taxes. Here is the agreement that covers that."

Claudia snatched the paper. It was a tax receipt for a Legendary magic item, an Inflatable Yacht.

"This is about Charles's stupid boat floating in a pond near his palace? He's had parties on the thing every month since he got it."

The lawyer nodded. "Yes, and by doing so has shown his acceptance of the item and its value. The Emperor is responsible for paying his taxes, formerly her taxes, and has not done so. This has caused stress to my client. She fears she has lost a valuable item and has not been paid for it. She worries that she will be forced to join the Legion and leave her loved ones. I've assured her that Imperial justice will prevail and the Emperor will serve in her stead. The Empire's loss is the Legion's gain. But he seemed happy about it. Very polite of him."

Carl Greywolf remembered his father's favorite advice: "The wolf doesn't have to howl before it starts to hunt. Sometimes you only find out when you feel the fangs bite down on the back of your neck." He hadn't expected Baron William to be happy with this tax. And, in fact, he'd been surprised when the man hadn't stormed into court and demanded it be rescinded. It seemed that they had underestimated how much he would not like this tax. Like the wolf, he had been patient and not announced his attack.

Now he had a problem to straighten out involving his own laws and bureaucrats. He already saw the panic in his advisors' eyes. Charles' casual statement could be taken to mean that he had abdicated. This needed fixing quickly before things escalated. He looked at the gnomish lawyer standing in front of him, surrounded by an entire law firm. His father had also been fond of saying, "Nothing better than to turn your strongest adversary into an ally."

"Mr. Coppertwist, are you currently in the employ of the Baron of Gadobhra?"

"No, your grace. My firm took on the task of serving notice to the Emperor, Charles Gustavus Viconis the 9th. That concludes the business of my law firm in this matter."

That made things easier for Carl. "I seem to have a very sticky tax problem involving a tangle of local and Imperial laws. I wish to resolve this situation as quickly as possible to reclaim my Emperor from the Legion. Are you available at this moment, and might my Duchy hire the services of yourself and your firm?"

The gnome's eyes grew bright, and he looked at his partners, seeing their eagerness. "Why yes, I think we are indeed available. We'll be able to start once you have spoken with my grand-nephew, Tiberius Longfellow Coppertwist, about a serious matter."

As if on cue, a younger gnome strode to the front and bowed. His great uncle could tell that he was nervous, but his spine was straight and his gaze firm. He was dressed in the traditional garb of a gnomish banker. A new silver pocket watch was half visible in its pocket. "Greetings, your grace. I have the honor to represent the Royal Gnomish Bank of Sedgewick. I need to register a complaint of interference in the Gnomish Banking system. If you examine these documents, you will see how three of your agents sought to use threats against one of my best customers to gain access to my bank. I can't overstate how serious this is."

The younger gnome handed over the documents in question.

Prince Rupert took a step forward, stopping just behind banker Tiberius. "We understand that you are in the middle of not only a Great Court but also a discussion of taxes. We are willing to give you the time to finish these affairs. I suggest we meet at eight bells sharp at the Royal Gnomish Bank of Wolfsburg. I'm sure you agree with the seriousness of the situation and the need for a quick resolution of the problem. It would be a loss for all of us if business relations were to deteriorate." The two gnomes stepped back and rejoined the other members of their group.

The law firm of Coppertwist, Fellrock, Kindfeld, and Bumplasonek stepped up to the table. Claudia looked at the assembled clan of gnomes.

"Pardon me, but I am only a simple country girl who had the luck to be swept off her feet by this handsome man. These complex problems confuse me, but I notice similar names involved with both the tax problem and the banking situation."

Elgebert and Tiberius bowed, and the elder gnome spoke. "That is correct, ma'am."

Claudia looked around the room, then spoke in a voice trained to carry across a battlefield. "Court is adjourned. Please have a wonderful rest of the night and leave us to sort out these important matters." She turned back to the gnomes.

"To my simple way of thinking, we can shoot two orcs with one arrow. Would you be opposed to my merging these two cases and relying on your combined expertise to help solve all of these problems quickly? It would help if your families could act as witnesses for the combined agreements. Remuneration will, of course, reflect the number of people involved. And I'll throw in a late dinner for everyone."

She paused to see their reaction. Elgebert spoke quickly in gnomish with the prince and the banker. All of them smiled. "This sounds like a wise solution to the problems at hand. We accept." All of the gnomes were smiling and talking, anticipating further experience points.

The Duke spoke to one of his bodyguards. "I need three squads that are ready to move fast. Find these three men mentioned in the complaint and invite them here for this little party my wife is throwing." As the man left, Claudia yelled after him. "And send someone to the Red Banner Barracks. They have some apple wine that was just purchased. I want a barrel of it brought here immediately and a barrel of the extra dark beer."

Tables were set up; food began appearing from the kitchens. Beer and wine appeared to the delight of Prince Rupert in particular. And then they got to work.