The Butcher of Gadobhra

Chapter 317: The Emperor's Birthday Party, (5)

As the sun came up over Wolfsburg, the last of those celebrating the Emperor's Birthday took it as a sign that the party was over. Most went home to bed, and a few went off to have breakfast. The city guard helped the people asleep in the streets find a comfortable spot, safe from being run over by a wagon. One enterprising cleric was charging a modest sum for curing hangovers and had a line of people waiting to see her.

But sleep was a long way off for the people in the throne room of Duke Carl. The intricacies of Imperial Law had created a snarl of legalese around the problem of the Emperor being delinquent in paying his own taxes and being hauled off to the Legion. One brave noble wondered out loud if this meant his eldest child should inherit the throne. There were scowls all around at the idea of a seven-year-old girl holding the reigns of the Empire. Books were consulted over the possibility of him being correct, but ultimately it was discarded. The Emperor wasn't dead, and he hadn't abdicated. He'd simply been caught in a legal conundrum because of taxes and a pretty boat.

Duke Carl's idea to enlist the aid of a gnomish law firm proved to be an excellent idea. They were tireless in pursuing their craft, and they had studied the laws of all possible clients for centuries and knew more than any human lawyer or noble. Eventually, they outlined a legal framework for solving the problem that only needed the agreement of the Emperor to finalize the matter. With that out of the way, they turned to the people who, while only causing part of the problem, would bear the brunt of the punishment.

"The Court of Duke Carl, Acting-Temporary-Voice-of-the-Emperor, and Duchess Claudia, call forth to judgment the following people:

Theordis Thancton

Manfred Von Heifferstein

Geoffrey Lancastershireham

Three very unhappy imperial functionaries from the Office of Acquisitions appeared, their legs hobbled with iron cuffs and a short chain. Geoffrey looked defeated. As soon as he had heard of the fiasco, he had made his way to the nearest guard and asked to be arrested. He'd slept poorly lately, seeing a great hound in every shadow, and the fears had worn down his spirit. Manfred was pale with the realization that somehow they had become trapped in a nightmare created by Baron William, for surely only he could have managed this. Theordis was angry and blaming everyone else as usual.

As he was brought before the court, he shocked the assembled nobility by having the gall to protest loudly, "This is all a farce. I've done nothing wrong. I demand to be released and a full apology."

Eyes gleaming with delight, Elgebert Coppertwist turned to the Duke and said, "If it pleases your Excellency, I will aid these fine gentlemen with their testimony."

Carl looked at the gnome and nodded. The man had proven invaluable tonight in his aid. Ironic since he had been the person who had unleashed the predicament. Turning to the three tax men, Elgebert snapped his fingers and said, "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the whole truth." Quite a few people paled at the use of one of the most diabolical curses ever devised by man or gnome.

Manfred looked at the lawyer and said tremblingly, "I'm going to throw Theordis under the cart and blame all of this on him the first chance I get. Which actually already happened on the way here when I talked to an Inquisitor." His eyes bulged, and he covered his rebellious mouth with both hands.

His sometimes partner, Theordis, puffed up his chest and turned to yell at Manfred. "Not a chance, you ninny! With the evidence I have on you in my little red book hidden in a false desk drawer of my desk on the third floor of the bungalow at 172 Mulberry street, I can prove how untrustworthy you are and pin all of this on you!"

Manfred spat at Theordis and unleashed the bile he normally held back, "I've always hated you. You steal the best room, take extra shares of pork chops, and always smell bad, no matter how much vile perfume you use! This was all your idea! You wanted to suck up to everyone and show how important you are! I just wanted to skim some gold to buy new clothes. All my outfits are stale!

And I hope they make you marry that poor little sow you violated in front of her mother!"

Geoffrey looked sad and resigned. "I just wanted to be important. Everyone else knows how to skim money better than me. It's not fair at all. I want to go home and be a potato farmer. I'd certainly testify against these two thieves if given a chance. Does everyone know about their investments in the illegal wand factories that Baron Ordo was running? They never even told let me know to invest my money there until after they got their profits and the sweat shops were shut down."

The guards moved to quiet the three men, but the Duchess held up her hand to stop them. She was happy to give them the time to talk. Scribes took down every word, and the bards in the audience grinned widely in anticipation of repeating this story far and wide.

"This is your worst nightmare, isn't it? Every time you talk, you dig your grave deeper. Poor fat little Theordis. You like to talk more than you like to eat, and now you can't."

"Damn you sir, I don't care what happens; I'm going to shout until I pass out because I like to shout. It makes me feel important. Everything I do is to make me feel important. Going to Gadobhra wasn't just about scamming some money or sabotaging the Baron's plans. It gave me a chance to put him beneath me! Making him sweat and reducing that little Barmaid to tears was almost as enjoyable as embezzling gold from the Duke. When I steal from powerful people, I feel smarter."

Elgebert snapped his fingers again, and muzzles appeared on the three men. "Would your grace like them to continue? I judge they can keep going like this for some time."

Carl took another handful of popcorn and chewed it while thinking. After a moment, he sighed regretfully. "As much as I enjoy good slapstick, I think we have enough for a formal judgment. The signed contracts these men presented to Baron William, the testimony from his people, and the letters we received from their former scribes tell all of the sad story. There are dangling threads that must be pursued and certainly a meeting with The Baron and Baroness of the far north. But for these three, it is over."

He conferred with his wife, the gnomish lawyers, and Prince Rupert for a few minutes in hushed tones. They were interrupted by a commotion at the other end of the hall as the great double doors were slammed open, and five men in the garb of basic Legionnaires walked into the room. The smaller man in the middle waved to Duke Carl. "I hope I'm not disturbing you. My companions have told me that I was needed here to witness the decisions you hard-working fellows have come to after a long night."

Legionnaire Gus walked over to the three prisoners and whispered conspiratorially to them in a voice loud enough to carry to the audience. "The Gods told me they can get me out of this mess, but they're pretty sure you're screwed." He walked up to the lawyers' table, took a chair, and sat in the middle of the aisle, finishing his sandwich.

Duke Carl gathered his wits and spoke. "After a night of congenial conversation with my advisors and our visitors from Cinderstein, both I and Prince Rupert have agreed on the following course of action.

1. A proclamation will go out from the Emperor himself, affirming our commitment to our allies, the Gnomes of Cinderstein, and the Gnomish Banking System.

2. An Imperial decree will be sent to all branches of the government and all nobles detailing the harsh punishments to anyone interfering with a Gnomish Bank or hindering a customer of a Gnomish Bank from accessing their accounts.

3. The Emperor will agree to denounce and apprehend anyone violating banking codes and to turn them over to Gnomish authorities for prosecution.

4. Payment of Imperial taxes using magical items and artifacts will be over-hauled, and a new department will be set up to properly and promptly evaluate such things and make sure that the appropriate taxes are paid, and the donations recorded.

5. Service to the Legion is not to be taken lightly. The option to enlist is not a punishment to be handed out for crimes or debt; rather, it was originally viewed as an option for those faced with insurmountable debt or sentenced for certain crimes. It should never have been an involuntary punishment used by other branches of the government. Because of the abuse of the system, any and all people who were sentenced to time in the Imperial Legion have had their enlistments ended, and they are discharged. Those who wish to remain in the Legions may certainly do so. Furthermore, anyone sentenced to serve may pay off their debts and be absolved as if the event never occurred."

"By the power invested in me by the Emperor, Charles Gustuvus Viconis the 9th, I affirm these decrees to be law."

The Duke turned to Legionnaire Gus. "That means I'm off the hook, and you're Emperor again."

The Emperor clapped slowly and was joined by the court. "Nicely done. I wondered how you would erase things so we didn't have a succession crisis. And it's good to clean things up now and then and dig into the details of old laws and how our officials interpret them. Nothing like a succession crisis to get people thinking hard."

Charles stood up and reclaimed his throne. "Oh well, it was fun to have a night off. Speaking of which, I brought you something, Claudia." As the Duchess waited for him to explain, one of the Emperor's personal guards marched up and put two buckets of mixed coinage at her feet. "I'd like to donate a little something to the school you run for orphans and impoverished children."

Claudia looked at the money. "Accepted, and thank you. But buckets?"

Charles winked at her. "Handy for scooping up my winnings. I bet on the right person for most of the arm wrestling matches." He looked down at the three former government officials. "And what happens to these three? Have you decided that? Or did you leave the dirty work to me?"

Prince Rupert strode to a spot before the Emperor and bowed low. "We have cleaned up the mess to our mutual satisfaction. These three attempted to interfere with Gnomish banking, so they will be brought to Cinderstein, where they will spend many years working in the King's vaults." He smiled evilly at the three. "We have a lot of copper and bronze coinage that needs to be cleaned and polished. Shouldn't take Manfred more than a couple of decades. Geoffrey will be put to work in the potato fields, since he has expressed an interest in that tasty root vegetable. And for Theordis, we have a special duty, as a newly enlisted member of the Cinderstein Sewer Patrol. We always need brave me who don't mind wallowing in shit to keep the bowls of the city in good repair and keep the slime population under control."

Charles nodded. "A fitting punishment and a good example to others. I like it." He stood and surveyed the court. "Thank you all for a wonderful time. I declare this great court to be over and wish you a wonderful day." The Emperor was escorted out the back of the room, followed by the Duke and Duchess. The rest of the nobles left the room, some glancing at the assembled gnomes in the center of the room.

Prince Rupert bowed, followed by more bows, counter bows, and synchronized bowing. "A good day for all of us. I commend you, Elgebert, on a well-thought-out campaign to gain multiple experience levels in one day. My father will be astounded. My celebration for attaining Level 26 was only last week, and I'm returning to him at Level 28. And I can't help but notice you seem to be Level 35. You should expect a Royal demand that you visit him and tell him the full story."

Elgebert nodded. "Happy to do so. In fact, let's go celebrate in Cinderstein, and pay him a visit; what do you think?"

The Prince's face lit up. "Oh, that is an excellent idea. He'll be sitting down to breakfast with the family in 17 minutes. We can make it in time. I'm sure no one will mind a few dozen extra guests for breakfast." A glowing circle surrounded the gnomes as they teleported away from the human lands and returned to their homeland for a surprise visit.