The Legend of William Oh

William Oh wears clothes of such heavenly beauty that only one has ever looked upon them without pain. Like looking directly into the sun, their sheer magnificence will burn into the viewer’s very soul, the sight clinging to their eyes no matter how much they blink.

It is a sight to behold, that brings tears of gratitude to a man’s eyes, that he has lived in an era where he can witness Perfection.

• Jason Salazar.

“And I’m saying, there’s gotta be a way to tailor the collar such that it isn’t strangling me,” Will croaked, struggling to breathe.

“Master, the current trend is tight collars emphasizing a slender neck. Do you wish to breathe or do you wish to impress?” Stevie said, taking the strip of cloth away from his neck.

“Breathe, obviously,” Will said. “Look, let’s just go the other direction, make the collar way bigger, give it some space for gold embroidery and pop it out.” Will motioned with his hand.

“You want to do…the opposite of the current fashion?” the undeadbutler asked.

“How do you think new fashion happens?” Will demanded. “It’s Mostly so I can breathe, but if I just loosen the collar I look like I’m half-assing it. Make it big. Make it say ‘look at me, I did this on purpose.’”

“It’s your image.” Billy-bob said with a sigh from where he was tailoring the pants.

“Frank Argyle survived as an advisor during the rise and fall of four bloodthirsty Lords who purged previous administrations and killed for perceived slights. During this time, he managed to introduce several reforms that eased the suffering of the common people.” Billy-bob said from his stitchwork.

“Who?”

“Exactly.”

“Let’s try this.” Stevie said, placing an oversized piece of test fabric around Will’s neck and pinning it in place before standing back.

It was maybe a half-inch bigger.

“No, you don’t understand, I want this thing to block my vision, like I’m too important to see people who don’t interest me.” Will said. “Like a villain from a Saturday morning melodrama.”

Stevie’s brow raised.

“As you wish, Master,” he said, shaking his head as he stepped away to cut a bigger piece of test fabric.

“Pants,” Billy-bob said, stepping away from his stitchwork and helping Will into his new pants.

They fit better than any nonmagical clothes he’d ever worn before.

“Gods-be-damned.” Will mused, shifting his weight and lifting his legs. “How are you so good at this?”

“What makes a competent retainer valuable is that he possesses a wide range of skills.” Stevie said. “Accounting, law, tailoring. We dabble in many things.”

After another hour, the two ghosts had dressed Will to his satisfaction, and he presented himself to the rest of his Party.

“It’s awful,” Travis said.

“You look like a clown,” June said, nodding.

“I don’t know nothing about fashion…but it looks more expensive than anything I’ve ever worn?” Reggie said hesitantly, trying to be nice.

“You should drink some water,” Alicia whispered. “You’re a little dehydrated.”

“I’m not the best judge of human fashion,” Loth said with a shrug.

“It’s pretty bad, Will,” Mason said. “Why not just go with what’s in fashion?”

“Because I hated it and would rather look like an idiot than strangle myself in order to fit in.” Will replied with a shrug, popping his collar with his Phantom Hand. “Besides, I’m going to be a walking, talking lure to attract my prey.” ṛ

“not sure what’ll bite on that, but good…good luck,” June said, clapping him on the shoulder.

The Phantom thief would take one look at him and realize that he was a distraction…which was exactly what he wanted.

“Oh my god,” Travis said. “What is up with that collar!?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Will asked.

“If anything ever said ‘I have a big purse and a small dick’, it would be that collar.”

“Excellent.” Will said, leaving the rest of his Party flabbergasted, save Loth.

Will scanned the rest of his Party. They were all wearing nice clothes that had been tailored to fit them perfectly, but none of them had been designed from the ground up to be ostentatious, like Will’s outfit.

None of them were wearing their Relics, either.

It was a strict Non-Combat dress-code. Many rich people didn’t like stepping on trailing AOE’s of sticky muck, or getting too close to someone and receiving a Slow debuff because they weren’t in the same Party.

That gradually led to a custom where only the host and the Lord of the city were allowed to wear their Relics to any sufficiently fancy party.

The Lord was unlikely to attend a party hosted by some random mid-tier administrator throwing a last-second party. In fact, most of the highest-level nobles in the city would probably pass, leaving only the dregs of upper society. Rich, but not influential.

This meant a low-power scene, with only a single person with a non-combat class and non-combat Relics as the only one allowed to wear them.

And THAT meant the party was a hostage situation waiting to happen.

Bee could walk right in, subdue the host and walk out with the prize without much resistance from anyone.

I mean, not that she’ll get away with much, Will thought. Not if Loth’s traps had anything to say about it. Mr.Francis had been very grateful for the return of his coffin. So much so that he’d been willing to assist with the ‘heist’.

Loth had trapped the shit out of the coffin, and anyone who tried to move or open it would get viciously nailed.

Will was pretty sure Bee would survive. The girl had outlandish Strength and Resistance.

Will frowned. Outlandish Strength and Resistance, huh?

Will put his ring, tomahawk, mask and amulet into the Phantom Hand, just in case. There wasn’t enough space for his torso, legs and boots, but he would have to make due with half his kit.

That was more than everyone else got.

Once everyone had taken their last bathroom break, they all piled into a carriage provided by Michael Francis. The carriage itself was somewhat plain with simple gold inlays that pleased the eye without being overwhelming.

The thing that really stuck out like a sore thumb was the fact the carriage was being pulled along by a giant’s disembodied hand.

Will spent half the trip sticking his head out the window and staring at the mummified kaiju fingers used as private transportation.

“Where can I get one of those!?” Will asked Alicia, pulling his head back into the carriage.

“You need to know a necromancer and kill a humanoid Kaiju. My father took a hunting trip down to Akul two years ago and got one stuffed as a trophy.” Alicia whispered. “It’s on our front lawn going through tai-chi poses.”

“Neat.”

As they approached the city administrator’s mansion, Will quizzed them on their roles for the party.

Which was simple, because they weren’t expected to do anything except for spread the word that Alicia Zodiac was in Will’s Party, and keep an eye out for the Phantom Thief.

If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Will had considered asking Micheal to allow them to bring their relics, but he also thought that would put them in a vulnerable position…legally.

Michael could have them arrested, point out their weapons as evidence they were attempting a robbery, and then, having found his scapegoat, quietly sweep the entire situation under the rug.

My paranoia rearing it’s head again.

So it was just Will and Loth sneaking their Relics into the party, and the others were kept blissfully ignorant of the back-and-forth going on behind the scenes.

Alicia was the most important part. She was social armor, in a sense. It made it a lot harder to arrest Will while she was in his Party.

She honestly thought they were just going to a fancy party, and she was actually kind of excited to go to a party with friends rather than to ‘be paraded around and stared at like a prized horse’, which made Will feel a little bad about using her like that. And for what, a pointless game of tag?

But there’s nothing saying we can’t have a good time, network with some of Thea’s contacts, and engage in petty, manipulative subterfuge at the same time, Will thought.

The carriage rolled to a stop in front of the same mansion Will and Loth had delivered the coffin to the night before, and the giant mummified hand came to rest, prompting the six of them to pile out, stretching their legs and sighing in relief.

“Alright,” Will said, staring up at the crowd of people filtering through the oversized double doors. “Let’s make an impression.”

He popped his collar.

Mason looked like he wanted to say something, but just sighed and kept his peace, while Alicia took Reggie’s hand and dragged the Tank toward the stream of people entering the main hall.

June shrugged and took Mason’s hand, and Travis shrugged and followed.

Will followed shortly after, climbing up the stairs behind them and giving his invitation to the crier, who announced ‘Alicia Zodiac, William Oh, and company.’

The chatter died to nearly nothing as the words ‘William Oh’ were uttered, their gazes landing on Alicia Zodiac and Reggie.

Most gazes flickered away from Will as soon as they landed on him, as if he were painful to look at, none of them even getting a good look at the man wearing the amazing outfit.

Well…damn. Their loss. On the subject, I wonder if a Relic that makes you painful to look at exists. It might be useful. Will thought as he stalked through the party invisibly thanks to his retina-burning outfit, looking for Bee.

“Did you lose a bet, young man?” An older gentleman with sagging jowels asked with a wry smile as Will walked past. He was wearing a subdued outfit with gold embroidery, and had a very bored looking young man with similar features standing beside him.

“No, I need to catch a shapeshifter, so my best bet is to draw them to me with an outlandish wardrobe.” Will said, shaking the man’s hand. “…Plus I was hoping to start a new fashion trend and maybe get some attention from the ladies as a side-benefit.”

Women were also avoiding looking at him. Will has partly happy to have such excellent social camouflage, but it was a bit painful.

“I know how that goes,” the older man said, nodding. “It’s not a bad idea, but you need to tap into human’s herd instinct in order to pull it off. Get someone with authority to publicly endorse the outfit, and you can lead the crowd by the nose.”

“Wow, there’s layers to this, huh.” Will mused. He hadn’t considered that aspect of it at all. He kind of just assumed people that started new fashion crazes just showed up in outlandish outfits and everyone just followed suit…but what the old man was saying made perfect – if a bit depressing – sense.

“I for one, think it looks fantastic! Reminds me of the block prints of Lord-Quest I read when I was a young boy. Do you read comics?”

“I don’t even know what those are.”

“They are a bit of a wealthy pastime.” The older gentleman mused, looking Will up and down. “Your accent is from the Center. Age is very low to have reached the fifth floor. Climbing orphan?”

“Yeah,” Will murmured as out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a seven-and-a-half foot tall woman with long black hair, an hourglass figure and tight gown towering over the rest of the party, undeniably the center of attention as she waded through the shorter population.

“Excuse me, do you know who that is?” Will asked, pointing.

“No idea,” The older fellow said his eyes widening fractionally before taking a sip from his cup to hide his reaction. “But If I were twenty years younger, I would climb that woman like a tree.”

“Try five,” His son interjected.

The older man grunted into his cup.

Will tracked the giantess with his gaze as the party shifted around her.

Is that Bee, running the same gambit as me? Attract a huge amount of attention to herself as a red herring? Or is it just some random giant woman that decided to attend a last-minute party?

The chances were low.

“Ah, forgot to introduce myself. William Oh.” Will said, turning back to the older man, offering his hand again.

The jowled man reluctantly tore his gaze away from the giantess in the white dress and shook Will’s hand.

“Louis.”

“Nice to meet you, Louis, but I have to go interrogate that giant lady.”

“Good luck, young man,” Louis said, chuckling.

Will stopped to lean up against one of the pillars supporting the expansive ceiling above the main hall, keeping his gaze on the suspect.

Stevie emerged from the pillar right next to his ear.

“No one I’ve eavesdropped on knows who the giantess is. Odds are good she either is the shapeshifter, or has been hired by the shapeshifter as a distraction.”

“Any other suspects?”

“None of them stand out quite as much as the giantess.”

“Which is the point, I suppose,” Will said with a shrug.

Only one way to find out, Will thought, heading for the towering woman.

The crowd parted for him in much the same way they did for the giantess, but it was more out of a desire to not be seen talking to him rather than awe.

“Nice body.” Will said as he arrived in front of the giantess.

“Excuse me?” she said in a husky voice, staring down at him from what felt like miles above.

“What are the odds that there exists an actual seven-foot-tall woman interested in attending this party, Bee?”

The giantess smirked.

“Not great, admittedly. I noticed you stole the coffin back last night, which means our little competition has a chance of being an actual challenge for me.”

“So what are you, a distraction?” Will asked.

“I could say the same about you,” Bee replied, gesturing to Will’s clothes. “But no, I’m not the distraction. They are.” She pointed into the distance.

Will didn’t fall for it until he heard the voices.

“Piping hot pastries from Jean’s Bakery!” Anna’s voice carried over the party, prompting him to turn and look.

The chubby blonde was wearing a white shirt, black pants, flour-dusted apron and comically oversized chef hat as she navigated the crowd, effortlessly carrying a tower of pastries nearly as big as she was.

Ria, the ‘undercover’ guardswoman was wearing a similar outfit, emerging from the kitchen with an identical tower of pastries, offering them to guests as they passed.

Will whipped his head around, looking for Bee, but the shapeshifter was already gone, changing her shape and vanishing in the moment the entire party was distracted by baker girls.

Stevie caught Will’s attention, waving from the ceiling. The ghost-butler pointed down beneath him at a dark-haired man with a combover, tucked away in a somewhat concealed nook created by a pillar and a small corridor leading to what Will could only assume were servant’s quarters.

Well, maybe it was just me that was distracted, Will thought, signalling to Stevie that he’d seen before he began marching towards the shapeshifter.

“What? Nooo…” Bee groaned as Will arrived directly in front of her. “Do you have eyes in the back of your head or something?” She demanded.

“Or something.”

“Wow Will, I didn’t except to see you here! Your outfit is awesome!” Anna said, arriving beside him and grabbing two pastries off her tray before passing them to Will. “Here. We got to use some real nice ingredients for today’s party, so I know you’re going to want seconds.”

She lowered her voice and winked. “Kaiju milk. From a giant cow.”

“Thanks,” Will said, a bit taken aback.

Anna wiped her hand on her apron and gave him a cheeky smile, cocking her head and putting her hand on her hip.

“So this weekend, I was thinking-“

“Do not be seduced by cool clothes, you’ve got a job to do.” Ria said, holding the massive tower of pastries with one hand and grabbing Anna by the ear with the other, pushing her to go mingle.

“…At least somebody thinks my clothes are cool.” Will said, watching them go as he inhaled the pastries. Something was wrong here, but Will couldn’t put his finger on exactly what was bothering him.

“Are they not?” The shapeshifter asked, scanning his clothes.

“Objectively?” Will asked, glancing down at his glittering sleeve. “No. They suck. That was kind of the point.”

“Huh.” Bee mused.

“So, we could call this a draw,” Will offered. “I’ve got you locked down, you’ve got me locked down. We could just shake hands and let this go. This really seems like a lot of effort to prove you’re better than me. Or maybe I could just admit you’re the better Phantom Thief. I’d be comfortable with that.”

“Okay…If you give me my tomahawk back. I was just getting used to it.” Bee said airily.

“That’s my tomahawk, and you dulled the edge on what, stone!?” Will said.

“Then I think I’ll keep the bet going,” Bee said with a languid smile that was unsettling on a middle-aged man. “You may have locked me down, but you haven’t locked all of me down.”

“Wait, what?” Will asked with a frown.

“ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS A ROBBERY. ANY ATTEMPT TO LEAVE THE PREMISES WILL BE MET WITH SWIFT VIOLENCE. YOU ARE UNARMED, UNEQUIPPED. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF INTO THINKING THAT YOU CAN RESIST. WE DON’T WANT TO KILL, BUT WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SET EXAMPLES.”

They both glanced back towards the main hall, where shouting was beginning to rise from the entrance before Will looked over at Bee, who gave him a confused shrug. “That ain’t me.”

“AB GRA KUL BALNASH BAGU-”

Will’s eyes widened with recognition of the familiar gibberish, and he pulled his mask out of his Phantom hand and slapped it down over his face.

“-them in the west hall, away from the coffin. Don’t forget the servant’s quarters and kitchens. Arms, Round up their jewelry. I want them face-to-face with your arsenal so they don’t get any ideas. Boar, escort our safecracker.

Will glanced around the pillar they were ensconced behind and spotted three masks that haunted some of his worst nightmares.

A red humanoid face with fangs that curved outwards.

A stylized boar

And a pitch-black void.

Crap. CRAP. CRAP!

They were the mercs who’d tried to kidnap him on the 2nd floor. They worked for the Wyrd family, which was situated on the 7th floor, so they were likely to be level 35 at least.

Running away from them? Maybe at triple speed it was possible.

Catching a single one by surprise with a trap? Possible.

One-against three fight? No chance.

Actually I didn’t win that race, either. I got saved by the surrounding Climbers at the last second..

..Then again, I am thirteen levels higher than the last time I met them.

The mercenaries stood at the center of a swarm of masked minions, all five feet tall, same height, same build, wearing identical featureless white masks to conceal their faces as they began spreading through the main hall, rounding up the guests.

Well this went sideways fast. Do I even have a chance, or should I focus on escaping and alerting the guard?

“EEK!” Anna shrieked, hanging on to her tower of pastries for dear life as the faceless minions shoved her toward the west, into a growing cluster of guests which included the rest of his Party.

Will’s eyes narrowed as the fear was washed away by something colder.

I guess I should’ve taken the risk and had everyone come armed. Well, no sense regretting it now. At least I brought some kit.

“I have an idea,” Bee said, her gaze lingering on Anna as the baker disappeared into the crowd.

“Speak,” Will said.

“Whoever takes the most out wins the bet,” Bee said, offering her hand.

“…Deal.”