Trouble With Horns

84: The Spymaster and the Himbo

We had no choice but to hope our little meeting with the Duke would be over quickly. The guard captain had his orders, and we sort of needed to follow if we wanted to keep our place here in the city.

Didn’t stop the three of us from worrying, though. Kimmy especially, I was surprised to find.

“What’s this chambermaid guy like anyway?” I asked the guard captain as we stepped onto the castle approach.

The gruff and serious captain almost tripped over his feet as he turned to goggle at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement on his face. “The chamberlain? He keeps the company of the Baron you just met. I feel that is enough explanation as to his character.”

“What the man is saying, oh so politely,” an elf from the Joret group interjected, “Is that he’s a nasty old bastard with a temper and an ego that both far outweigh his station. Man is a glorified servant who thinks he’s got azure blood. Mysteriously inflated bank balance too, if you catch my drift.”

I gave the Joret elf spy a once over and grinned. He was so far removed from the typical prancing tree hugger that I hadn’t realised he was anything other than human. His clothes were plain and unassuming, like the rest of his comrades, and his gait was that of a man more used to back alley brawls than artful swordplay. It was his scruffy stubble and messy hair that really threw me off, though. Who even knew that elves could grow facial hair?

“Does he have a cold attitude towards non-humans, too?” I asked, chuckling at the man’s words.

He winked. “You got it, lass. Man’s a shoe in for the folks in red.”

I liked this guy. “What’s your name?”

“Diavo,” he said, giving me a nod of respect. “I’m aware of who you are.”

“Sweet,” I said. “Saves me subjecting you to my tossed alphabet salad of a name.”

With a laugh, he politely shifted back in with his comrades.

Just as we passed under the heavy, foreboding gates of the Duke’s outer castle wall, an urgent message pinged my HUD. I flicked it open and focused to bring the window up.

Taylor: Has something just happened back down the mountains? We just saw the Chig commander get a Pag messenger in the middle of the battle. Suddenly his dudes were pulling back.

Tami: We accidentally partially destroyed the local Pag spy headquarters and killed most of their people.

Taylor: Accidentally??

Tami: It was only meant to be a bit of light breaking and entering. It got out of hand.

Taylor: You make me smile, dear sister. Please don’t mess things up any further.

Tami: We both know I can’t promise anything…

Her only reply was a rolling eyes emoji. I couldn’t help but giggle over the whole exchange. I might just enjoy my reputation a little too much.

An old man was waiting for us on the opposite side of the inner courtyard, his ostentatious robes flowing down the main steps up into the keep. I could tell without any introduction that he was the chamberlain. He had a chamberlainy look to him, like he loved to cut his cocaine with shredded budget reports to get an extra mathy high.

“You are the ones responsible for the property damage that occurred down in the merchant quarter?” he sneered, and while I was fairly sure he’d put a question mark on that sentence, he definitely meant it as a statement.

“Technically, we didn’t start it,” I lied. “We definitely finished it, though.”

His spiteful expression only grew worse. “Oh, really? Then who?”

“Mr Pollock,” the guard captain interrupted. “This matter would be best discussed in the audience chamber with his grace, yes?”

“His grace is—” the chamberlain tried to say, only for someone else to talk over him.

“Ready to see the involved parties.”

In the doorway, the Duchess stood with some of her ladies in waiting behind her. She wore a comfortable navy dress with gold thread and black lace. It was an outfit that was all dark and soft, but her expression was anything but the latter. Her face betrayed absolutely zero thoughts about her opinion of the gaggle of street brawlers that had tumbled onto her doorstep.

The look on the old man’s face when he realised the Duchess was behind him was just as interesting as the fact she’d turned up. It had flashed with urgent worry for just a moment, before being carefully covered up by decades spent in court.

Without waiting for a response from him, the Duchess turned her impassive gaze on us. “Follow.”

The captain left most of his people in the courtyard, along with most of the Joret folks. Our numbers greatly thinned, we followed the regal woman into the brightly lit interior of the castle. It was a nice place, if I was honest. Very functional on the outside, but nice, warm, and as cosy as a seat of power could get. They really liked their dark wooden furniture, though, which gave the whole place a sort of ancient gravitas.

Last time we’d been here, we’d spent most of our time in the banquet hall, but now we were headed for the throne room. Nerves hit when I realised the place would be packed with nobles, and I did a once over of myself. My armour was pretty clean, barring the recent deposits of soot and blood that were splattered across it. I guess that meant it wasn’t clean, huh? Well, there were still nice shiny bits of metal visible underneath the mess of battle.

With a strength that had very much not been apparent from her looks, the Duchess threw open the doors to the throne room.

The room was old, much older than the rest of the castle we’d seen so far. Massive banners hung from a high ceiling that was held aloft by ancient stone pillars. Their bases were worn smooth by generations of nobles using them to lean against, and higher up their length, I could see a few chips and scrapes that could have only come from arrows or crossbow bolts.

When the doors crashed open, a thin, wiry boy in ornate servant’s livery stumbled to his feet. His eyes flicked across our party for a second, concentration etched into his features. “Presenting to the court! Captain Gamble. The Ladies Tami, Aurora, and Civette of House Bativaraosa. Her grace, Duchess Katleone.”

All eyes turned to us, and I felt my spine straighten under the scrutiny of so many people. Up on the throne, which was situated on a slightly raised dais, the Duke stood with a grin on his face.

“My wife!” he exclaimed. Guy didn’t have a care in the world for court etiquette, it seemed.

It was kinda cute to see the way the Duchess suddenly softened under his attention before she remembered why she was here.

“Has the court been apprised of the altercation that took place down in the merchant’s quarter?” she asked.

He nodded, turning his wide smile on our party, or rather, the three of us girls in particular. “Yes, I have! A battle in my streets! I wish I could have seen you back my boys here.”

“They were rather impressive, your grace,” Captain Gamble agreed diplomatically. “However, several of a merchant family’s retinue were killed during the engagement.”

“Yes!” the slimy chamberlain said quickly. “These brutes disturbed—”

My eyebrows rose. If he was throwing insults in court like that, he must be desperate. We weren’t just blessed adventurers. We were nobility.

“Excuse me?” I asked, making sure my voice carried across the hall. “Sir, have you somehow forgotten in your old age that we are members of the peerage?”

In the corner of my eye, I watched the Duchess’ lips twitch briefly into a vicious grin.

“I…” the man stuttered, suddenly unsure.

If the duchess approved of what I was saying, then I was on the right track.

Cycling the mechanisms within my rocket powered gauntlets, I stepped closer to him with a menacing glare. “Pagutum spies start a deadly riot within the walls of our glorious city, and you are more worried about the methods by which the nobility carried out their duty? That is our duty, is it not? To defend the realm and all those subjects who call it their home?”

That last part was aimed at the duke, who nodded agreement. The man was practically the biggest fanboy of noblesse oblige out there. If it were an anime, he’d have the anime girl version of the creed on a body pillow.

“The Lady Tami is correct,” the Duchess said, her tone that of a venomous snake as it struck. “My Claws have confirmed the patrons of the merchant family as being of a minor Pagutum noble. Whatever the reason for the conflict in the streets, they were our enemies.”

Her Claws? She said the word like it was meant to have a capital letter or something. Was that the name for her spies? I knew the woman was the cunning behind the throne, but getting info that fast was impressive. Unless they had already been watching the place?

In the corner of my eye, I spotted Baron Durham. His eyes held a calculating light, and with a twitch of one eye, he stepped forward. “Your Graces, Ladies, I would like to offer information.”

Everyone turned to him, and I noticed more than a few confused and surprised stares from the other nobles. The Duke motioned impatiently for the man to continue.

“In the past years, I have been befriending the Chamberlain,” he said, taking on a self important air. “I had suspicions, but they were baseless, you understand, so I sought to gather information. I now know that he is in the employ of Pagutum, and has been working under their purview to undermine your most benevolent authority.”

Uh. What? Baron Durham was a slimeball, there was no way he’d done something like that. Surely not. Right?

The glances that the other nobility were throwing each other told me I wasn’t alone in my disbelief, but unfortunately, the Duke had way too much faith in his people.

“My good man, well done!” he declared. “Guards, throw this man down into the dungeons. Baron Durham, if you’d be so kind as to have your findings delivered to my wife, we will wash our hands of this mess.”

“Husband,” the Duchess warned. “I am not sure we have seen the end of this. My Claws have reason to believe that there is a wider plot at play here than a simple street battle.”

A throat cleared, and Diavo stepped forward with a polite bow. “I may be able to help, your graces.”

Both rulers turned to him and stared as though they hadn’t realised he was there.

“It might be best to take him someplace without so many ears, your graces,” Dawn said quietly, speaking up for the first time. “He will have a lot of things to say, but many of them would probably be best if they were not public knowledge.”

“I see,” the Duchess said, considering her words. “Well then, in that case, husband, perhaps we should retire to your study?”

Oh thank god. As much as I liked being a capital L, Lady, the big chunky words that nobles used were a pain in the ass. Like, could they all just collectively tone the formality down a little? I wonder if the Duke would order everyone to be a little more casual? I’d have to try and talk to him about it.

“If you wish, my love,” the man said fondly. “I will always defer to you on all things cloak and dagger.”

“It’s settled then,” she said, turning to the massed nobility. “Court is adjourned for the day. You may all—”

The floor bucked, and somewhere, from beyond the castle walls, the unmistakable sound of a truly enormous explosion rocked the chamber. Dust cascaded down onto silk and fine cloth. Oh dear.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the game’s backend, a dungeon master SAI had decided to make things just that much more exciting.