Waiting For You Online

In the dormitory, the father and the son were still giving each other a silent treatment. In this cold war, He Jin didn’t fear, he still clenched his fist tightly. He wasn’t sure how many times he could still act so rebelliously in his lifetime, and he didn’t know if he would still be brave enough to tell anyone everything on his mind like this time. He did it not because of Qin Yang, but for himself. Even if it was impossible to be with Qin Yang, this was still be something that he ought to do if he wanted to pursue freedom.

Finally, He Jin’s father agreed, but with conditions, “He Jin, come home with me this weekend. Apologize to her and try to reconcile. Then, you will stop going out with that boy. Dad will pretend as if nothing has happened, and I won’t tell your mom either. She still doesn’t know about this, imagine if she does, she must go insane...and...if you have any thoughts, you can tell me. I can’t guarantee that your mom will understand you, but I’ll try my best to consider your advice.”

After hearing what his father said, He Jin didn’t calm down. On the contrary, he was like a hedgehog that got pissed off, “why do I need to apologize to her? She’s so narrow-minded, whenever she’s angry, she’d just throw things and scold at me. She said that it’s for my own good, but she also said that she wouldn’t give me any more money. You said that I haven’t called these six months, then what about you? Have you ever asked about me? I’m not asking you for money, without her money, I can still survive until now...”

The further He Jin went on, the more he was determined that he’s the right one. His dad even wanted him to stop dating Qin Yang, and He Jin found it hilarious. What made him think that he had the right to? Without them, He Jin was living so happily. Then why did he have to do what they wanted?

When he was very emotional, He’s father raised his head and looked at He Jin. There was no more desperation and blaming in his bloodshot eyes, but there’s a feeling that He Jin didn’t understand – it’s both complex and deep, “He Jin, your mother is sick...” The man had endured for a long time, and he said with much difficulty, “she has very serious depression and she is suicidal.”

Suddenly, He Jin’s rage was blocked. What was it...serious depression? Is it a mental disorder?

After his father went silent for a while, it seemed that he’d made up his mind for something and he asked, “do you still remember that you had a brother?”

He Jin was a little confused, how come his dad mentioned his brother all of a sudden?

He’s father, “when you were small, we told you that your brother died of illness. Do you still remember?”

He Jin nodded, “yes.”

“Your brother He Lin,” He’s father started weeping and he wiped the corner of his eye, “he didn’t die out of illness. He committed suicide.”

He Jin went pale, “what?”

He’s father, “he liked playing around, and he’s much naughtier than you. Since he was small, he never listened to your mother. Both your mother and I spoiled him. When he was in high school, he always went to internet cafes, and he met some bad friends there...then, he began dating a boy.”

He Jin couldn’t believe his ears, “my brother...is gay too?”

He Jin’s father looked down and didn’t answer that question. He continued, “we scolded him, but he didn’t listen. He just stopped returning home. At that time, you were only four years old, and you needed somebody to take care of you. Your mom and I had to work, we didn’t have much time for him...after half a year, he suddenly staying at home more, we thought that he wanted to be a good boy again. So, we didn’t ask him much. But then we saw him stop eating and sleeping, and he lost weight quickly. A few days later, he left us a suicide note. He took a whole bottle of sleeping pills.”

He Jin’s eyes opened widely, he couldn’t comprehend, “why did he commit suicide?”

He’s father, “in his suicide note, he said that he had that kind of relationship with the boy, and he later found out that his boyfriend had AIDS, he thought that he’d got the same. He dared not tell us, and after one month, he was so scared that he couldn’t hold on to it anymore...”

After knowing this incident, He Jin felt totally lost.

He’s father, “since then, your mother has changed. She began controlling you, she doesn’t want you to go online, and she especially doesn’t like you knowing friends there. She even objects you dating while you’re studying...He Jin, I think it’s quite difficult for you to understand why I’ve always listened to your mother. Because I know how she felt after losing He Lin, and now she doesn’t want to lose you because of the same reason. That’s why she treats you like that. But never would I have thought that you’d hate her so much.”

He Jin lost all his strength, like a deflated ball. He couldn’t say anything, since anything that he said would appear empty.

He’s father, “I never thought that your mother would suffer from any mental disorder, and I never paid any attention. When you left home, she began to have more problems. Every day, she said something crazy at home, and she always said that she wanted to kill herself. Then, I brought her to see a doctor, she was diagnosed with depression. She scolds you, throw things, and she’s always nervous, that’s all because she has depression...”

The rebellious elements in He Jin’s body seemed to be totally condensed. He Jin felt that someone had put a big iron plate on his neck. Every word his father said seemed like a crime for him, and they were carved on that plate, pressing him, making it difficult to breathe.

He Jin desperately asked, “how is she now?”

At that time, he suddenly realized that in front of illness and death, and as a son, his personal feelings seemed so unimportant. That woman was his mother, no matter how ridiculous she was, she’s sick now, and her son had to forgive her.

He Jin’s father, “in fact, for this kind of illness, being hospitalized doesn’t help. The doctor had prescribed some medicine. She’s now at home and I asked your aunt to be with her...she even didn’t know that I was here looking for you.”

He Jin loosened his fist and said, “I’m going back with you. Tonight.”