Maybe a Fake Gintama

Chapter 506: Successful First Matchmaking Sessions are Rare

"So, let's start with a normal introduction," Otae says, narrowing her eyes with a smile. "I'll go first. My name is Tae Shimura; I'm 18 years old. My family runs a historic dojo, and I have a 16-year-old brother. I usually enjoy cooking, especially dishes involving eggs. My ideal partner should have a stable job, and it would be nice if they had assets of about 10 billion yen or so. Regarding looks, someone too handsome might not be good because they could attract other women, so average is fine, but they must be honest! Their eyes should only see me! And also…"

As Otae chatter about her ideal partner's criteria, Kawaki's face twitches uncontrollably.

[This woman...is something else...] Kawaki thinks with a full head of black lines, [Who gave her this confidence? How can she say such things with that expression? A woman so self-centered should be thankful to get married at all! Those conditions? Please, stop already!]

"...Now it's Kawaki's turn."

"Hehe... well, Miss Otae probably knows my conditions," Kawaki says, awkwardly pulling at the corner of his mouth, "They are far from Miss Otae's, so I think wasting our time is unnecessary. Let's just..."

"Yes, indeed, Miss Otae!" Kondo's voice suddenly comes from under the table, "There's no need to waste time dating such a man! He's just a useless game otaku! By the way, Miss Otae, except for not having ten billion in assets, the rest of what you described fits me! Am I that important in your heart?!"

Looking at Kondo, who pops his head from under the table, wearing a black suit, and talks to himself, everyone falls silent.

"Having a pet should count for something, right, Kouka?" Umibouzu suggests to Kouka, "Girls who keep pets are usually very loving; I think this girl should be observed."

"Papi, that's just a gorilla stalker-aru," Kagura corrects without expression, "Just a stalker who looks no different from a gorilla."

"Miss Otae, it's not like that!" Kondo hastily defends.

"You ruined my performance!"

Saying so, Otae grabs the now bruised and swollen Kondo and throws him out the window, followed by the sound of shattering glass as Kondo flies onto the main road outside.

But that's not the end of it. Otae jumps out after him and punches Kondo with her fists.

"While it's not as good as your uppercut, I think some domestic violence is necessary," Umibouzu speaks again, "A family without some form of domestic violence isn't a normal family, Kouka; I think this girl is suitable."

[Are you kidding me?!] Kawaki curses in his mind, then slams the red button on the table.

"Next contestant, please come in," Kagura calls out to the door.

…

Watching Kyubei sit across from him in a pink yukata, her hair tied in twin tails, and wearing a pink eye patch, Kawaki's eyes twitch again.

"This girl looks pretty good, too," Umibouzu self-assuredly comments.

"Uh, my young master is in your judges' hands..." Holding a camera, Tojo secretly stuffs something into Kagura and Umibouzu's hands, "My young master's conditions are quite favorable, and even a few minor flaws can be completely overlooked. I'm also concerned that the female lead for this work hasn't been settled yet. I've never seen a woman more suitable to be the female lead than my young master."

"Cough, cough!" Umibouzu discreetly pockets the money Tojo handed over, "We are very fair. Don't think giving us this kind of thing will score you extra points; it's useless. But speaking of which, this girl has the looks and conditions to be a female lead."

"Yes, Mommy, Kyu-chan is a very nice girl-aru," Kagura adds while pocketing the money forced on her by Tojo with a matter-of-fact expression, "Also, Mommy, you might not know, but little uncle had some stories with a woman called 'Kyu' before-aru."

[Enough with you guys, damn it! What is this? Can you bribe judges now?!] Kawaki thinks frantically, [What are you guys even here for?!]

"Um... Kawaki-dono," Kyubei finally speaks after a long silence, "Can the matchmaking begin now?"

"Yes, it's over, goodbye." Saying that Kawaki presses the red button in front of him without hesitation.

"How... how can this be!" Kyubei exclaims in shock, "I... haven't even said anything yet!"

"Ah, no need to say anything," Kawaki replies with narrowed eyes and an expressionless face, "Rather, I knew what you would say just by sitting here, so there's no need to force yourself. Besides, bribing judges is not allowed, even if you have the substance and are allowed to advance. If it's dug up by the media later, it would become trouble. Considering it could affect the company's reputation and your personal development, it's better just to eliminate you now."

"I see!" Kyubei nods in understanding, "I didn't expect Kawaki-dono to be so thoughtful, indeed, letting me advance under these circumstances; if it were dug up by the media later, it would become trouble."

"It's good you understand..." Kawaki replies expressionlessly, "Well, pick up your souvenir at the door, and please leave quickly."

"I understand," Kyubei nods, "But before leaving, there's something else I want to know about the woman named 'Kyu' that Kagura mentioned, to be honest..."

"Hey, were you hired by those gossip readers?"

…

After the fourth contestant enters, Kawaki can no longer contain himself and stands up to yell loudly.

"Hey! Enough is enough!" Kawaki points at Gedoumaru and Kuzunoha, holding a quilt across from him, "Why are these guys even participating in a matchmaking session?! I don't understand! These two aren't even human! And why are they a pair?! What do you take me for?!"

"Kawaki-sama, I'm ready anytime!" Gedoumaru shouts excitedly, "I've recently crammed up on this and that about humans! Don't be shy! Even here is fine!"

"My body is ready anytime, Kawaki-sama! Please don't be shy! Just like the crazy things you used to do to Kyu-sama!" Kuzunoha's nostrils puff out two excited streams of air.

"Get lost!!"

"What's going on with these two? Kagura-chan?" Umibouzu asks Kagura, who is beside Kouka.

"Ah, they are shinigami, like demons and such-aru," Kagura explains, "The woman named 'Kyu' mentioned before seems to be a thousand-year-old demon who became a deity in Takamagahara because of some incidents with little uncle-are."

"Kawaki-sama! It's alright even here! Come on!" Gedoumaru suddenly spreads the quilt.

"Threesome is no problem at all! I can accept it! Hurry up!" Kuzunoha, who is already lying in the quilt, shouts excitedly.

"Shut it!!" Shouting, Kawaki rolls up the two shikigami in the quilt and throws them out the window.

They turn into shooting stars and disappear.

…

Watching the person across the table digging his nose with his little finger and dressed in women's clothes, Kawaki's face turns utterly black.

"Nice to meet you; my name is Pa..."

"Nice to meet you!" Kawaki immediately presses Gintoki's head onto the table, breaking a whole section, and roars with glaring eyes: "Why are even men dressing up as women to participate in matchmaking?!"

"If it weren't for the ¥10,000 subsidy for participating in this matchmaking, do you think I would attend this disgusting otaku matchmaking session?!" Gintoki raises his head, grumbling angrily.

"Hey, what's going on?" Kawaki asks Kagura, "What does the subsidy mean? Why do they get a subsidy for matchmaking with me?"

"After all, little uncle is a useless 30-year-old who only plays games and doesn't have a job, a classic homebody. Without a subsidy, finding a woman willing to matchmake with you would be tough-aru," Kagura casually explains.

"Hey, why do you make me sound so terrible? It doesn't sound cool at all! It sounds completely useless! I'm the protagonist!"

"I wish little uncle you had some self-awareness-aru..."

…

Looking at Katsura across from him, dressed in women's clothes and his chest puffed up, Kawaki is genuinely on the verge of a complete breakdown.

"Please pick up the sword with me once more..."

Before Katsura can finish, Kawaki roars and kicks him out the window.

"Before that, you should pick up your sword! Someone who throws away the sword between their legs has no right to say such things!!"

…

"Hey, is that enough? Aren't you even changing costumes this time?" Kawaki holds his forehead, utterly despondent, "Give me a break, you people..."

"Um, boss," sitting across from Kawaki, dressed in the Shinsengumi uniform, Sogo raises his hand, "I'm not here to participate in that boring matchmaking session; I just wanted to ask if Kondo-san has been here."

Kawaki: …

…

"Long time no see~."

Seeing Saigon before him, Kawaki silently turns and starts vomiting after two seconds.

"Nice to meet you, I am Mademoiselle Saigou. As you can see, I'm a single mother and also a woman who keeps her love for Kawaki hidden in her heart…"

Before Saigou can finish, Kawaki wipes his mouth and unhesitatingly presses the red button on the table.

"What a heartless man..." Saigou covers his face, ready to cry, "To press that ruthless button before someone finishes speaking, it really gets me excited!"

"Why are you getting excited?! Disgusting! Get lost!!" Saying this, Kawaki delivers an uppercut, sending Saigou crashing into the ceiling.

"I think this could work..." Watching Saigou hang from the ceiling, Umibouzu nods, "A single mother with a child, and this level of domestic violence, seems unexpectedly suitable."

"Hey, baldy, do you want to die?" Kawaki coldly asks.

Half an hour later, the entire restaurant's ceiling is filled with hanging members from a transvestite club.

…

"Kawaki-sama, long time no see."

Looking at the person sitting across from him, Kawaki is unexpectedly moved, lifting his head to choke back tears.

"I don't know why, but after going through those people, seeing Tama moved me."

"Kagura-chan, this isn't a human, right?" Umibouzu asks Kagura.

"Ah, it's a robot-aru," Kagura nods, "But it seems to have a super friendship with little uncle-aru. Gintoki also said that Tama is a woman's little uncle kept on the side-aru."

"Tama, please, talk with me more; just hold on until today ends," Kawaki pleads, "I can't take it anymore... sob..."

"Kawaki-sama, please cheer up," Tama consoles, "I came to cheer for Kawaki-sama."

"That doesn't matter anymore," Kawaki murmurs despondently, "Just sit here until it gets dark; let this day end; I... don't want to participate in this kind of matchmaking anymore..."

"Kawaki-chan, don't think about dragging this out; Sister has already said it; I'll keep an eye on you," Kouka's light words come.

"Ah! God! Save me!" Kawaki cries out to the heavens in despair.

…

After a whole day of matchmaking, Kawaki is utterly exhausted.

"Is it enough now, Sister?" Kawaki, lying despondently on the table, speaks to Kouka, "Indeed, these things can't be forced; it's the age of free love now."

Looking at the remaining stack of data sheets in her hand, Kouka glances out at the dimly lit street outside, finally nods lightly, and stands up.

"Let's end it for today. Kagura, inform the remaining girls to line up here at 8 p.m. tomorrow."

"Are we continuing?!" Kawaki is entirely not okay, "Hey, spare me, I can't do it; why must it be matchmaking? I don't need that; at year's end, everyone else is busy, and participating in this kind of activity is also troubling for others..."

Kawaki rambles on, but Kouka doesn't listen to a word; a hand pinching a kiseru, she turns and heads towards the door.